packratgirl

So all Ive been doing is Sleeping, Taking care of itty bit the best I can, and watching Mars
Thus leading to this
totally necessary bit of fangirling Over MARS

Okay I was going to post this in my last entry
(all of 15 minutes ago)
But then I figured it was a tad bit long anyway
and I had a brain fart and completely forgot
But I while in my Sunday school class
We were talking about the original sin
and I came up with this... something
Thought, Poem, brain puke?
Im not sure
I'm thinking of making it into a banner
I even found a really great picture for it

So Im going to throw it up her
And PLEASE tell me what you guys think
I know your all busy
Just throw up a Yay Or Nay

PWEAS

( Clicky )

... Kinda sucks looking back at it XD
Oh well
Any criticism and corrections would be welcome as well

Really quick squee post of joy
I ACTUALLY GET TO HANG OUT WITH HUMANS!!!
well somewhat human XD
I haven't hung out with my friends in a while
and today Is Emma chans bday
and she decided she just wanted to spend a day hanging out with a group of friends
its been a pain in the ass all week to get things set up
but Ive got things to where Nate is taken care of
so we can have a *takes a deep breath*
SLEEPOVER
I know Im unreasonably exited
But I just got Demon Days Live on DVD and May
plus I just downloaded all of Demon Days (my copy got stolen)
AND I re downloaded a copy of Fall Out Boy
I haven;t really gotten a chance to do ANYTHING lately
Im running around my apartment squeeing
Quietly >> Nate sleeping
I just felt like going Nuts On LJ at least .....

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"Do Stylistic choices, even something as simple as the use of contractions, bring readers comfortably close to a writer, or do a highly technical vocabulary and impersonal voice signal that an argument is for experts only."
'Everything's An Argument'
Andrea A Lunsford
John J Ruszkiewicz
Keith Walters

My english book
and yes all of it sounds like that
Its a joy to read
</sarcasm>

Also Note: Free Coffee Forkin ROCKS.

I want a girl with Short Skirt and A Long Jacket
Who's Fingernails Shine like justice
and a voice that is Dark like tinted glass :D

Oh and I am so addicted to Mahjong now ....

So all of 5 minutes ago one of my best friends introduced me to a band called Apocalyptica.
Its a Metallica Cover band
What's different about this band you ask?
They Mainly play the Cello.
If you like metallica and have a taste for instrumental, click! you will not regret :D

New Years Resolutions :
1)Realize that Wayne is not my responsibility and that I do not have to take care of him just because he's my child’s father
2) Realize that just because occasionally I like to look "pretty" does not make me cheap or a sell out
3) Watch less TV for me and My child’s sake
4) Read more books and get rid of the ones I never read
5) Get out more even if it means taking the baby
6) Become an independent single mom
7)Care less about other people's opinions and More about mine
8) GET ORGANIZED
9)Become a better worker
10) Be the best Mom I can be and enjoy every day I have with my son
good OR bad

*raises her glass* Happy New Year Everyone!

Randomly this is something a friend asked for a while back ^^;; about 2 weeks ago
here ya go sorry I took so long :
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=4341225

Happy late xmas everyone!
Hope you had fun this holiday
I did ^-^ I slept most of the day <3
giant post with pictures to boot to come soon

The most random thing for xmas but this is the first time Ive had time AND remembered to post this ^-^
one of my friends asked for more info on modest mouse
so here:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=4341225
have fun and love <3

So yes I've made a realization today
I really don't miss the man
the man is a miserable lump of a human who needs someone (quite litteraly to live)
the man calls me on my cell at least 30 times a day
I need to empty out my voicemail box 3x a day
do not miss the man
the man treated me like crap
threw me around like rag doll and almost killed my son
and time in a rehab center and pills have cured him?
*snort* I think not
The reason I think I stayed with him for so long is because I have this image in my head of a happy family, You know the one, 2 happy parents smiling baby 2 steady jobs and a good home
I thought he would stop when I became pregnant
he didnt
I thought he would be there for the baby
he wasnt
and now the idiot says hes changed and needs me back?
I may be depresed and overworked and stressed but Ill kill before I go back to that peice of shit home.
I didnt want to do this alone
but he gave me no choice
I may be willing to throw my life in a shit hole
but not my sons
I will go through hell and back if thats what it takes to give him a happy life
I want a FAMILY god dammit!
I didnt want to be a single mom liveing in a small one room apartment with a 3 month old
no money
no car
piss poor job

I tried so damn hard
I put my soul into makeing that home a family and EVERY time it was shoved back in my face
most often with the brusises there to remind me and words ringing in my ear

I dont even have time to pick up the peices
I just have to shove them back where they never belonged in the first place and hope I have non left over.
I think I only let 2 people know how bad wayne treated me
I was/am embaressed
Im not that person
Im not that pathetic
or at least I know enough not to be that pathetic
which just makes things worse
I want to stop I want to just curl up and heal
but theirs no time
just little snatches of my dads computer every night until 1 am when my body demands sleep after a 8 hour work day and the baby
I KNOW I need to sleep but my soul just needs this time
to just do what I want on a comp

I feel empty and tired
and it feel like theirs not much left in me
but I surpise myself every day
get outof bed take good care of my lovely son
and work my ass off to make a better life
all I can hope for is that eventually Ill get used to a lack of sleep

o how about a blog thats not emo pasted on a wall shall we?
to make things a bit more clear I was tired of being treated like crap
I dont mean we just didnt get along
I mean I put my all into my famliy but the day he almost killed my child
well that was enough to push my stupid ass in gear
am now currently without a car relying on my parents to go everywhere
this sucks ASS big time
am now currently liveing in a small addition at my parents house thats already half occupied by my dads office so imagin a house full of mostly my stuff and the babys stuff being shoved into one room o0 fun times
by the grace of god and a few freinds I have a job
apparently no one want to hire you when you cant work weekends and you can only work 7-5
am relying on famly to help watch the baby but that needs to change really fast
basicly all my emotions are put on the back burner for the moment
I learned early on babys really dont care if your haveing a hard time
but Im okay for the moment and happy that my baby's growing like a weed
if I can Ill coerse my dad into letting put some pics up but that will have to wait a long time. Must get real orginized really fast
... anyone who knows me is probably laughing on the floor at this point
but youd be suprised
MY stuff may be a pile on the floor but all of my son's stuff is neatly orginized by type size and need
Its weird haveing a human depend on you 24/7 ...
but I wouldnt trade it for the world <3

I left wayne
Im now left with the daunting task of being a single mother
I really want to greive
deep down I want to curl into a ball and scream
but I cant my son needs me and the world does not stop
esspecilly for moms

I think....
I think the first week back from the hospital was the worst week of my life
Not to say I dont love my son
Im more devoted to that little boys happiness than Ive every been to anything in my whole life
but I feel like an only parent
I feel like he should be doing more
like he should change more than one diaper a day
after hours of fighting and screaming is he just now starting to spend time with is son
but he wants to act like we can just drop him and go do stuff, and thats not the way it works
I know he works but I cant even count on him for that
I wonder week to week if Im going to have enough food
if my electricity is going to stay on
Im so sick of liveing this way
not knowing what he's going to spend money on next
what IM going to spend money on next
this sick part is most of the time we spend money on stuff we NEED things that have waited far to long
I want better
I want better for my son

I have never been as angry as I have been with this man
he pushes me to my limit and thinks its funny
hes a bully sometimes
and the only reason I dont walk away is because Im terrified of being alone
Ive always had someone since highschool
and thats just pathetic
Ive never been this angry in my life
Ive never been this bitter
it hurts
I want to let it go
but it jus sits in my heart and festers
I remember who I used to be
I want to go back that way
I want all this hate and anger to go away
I walk I read I scream and punch walls
none of it helps anymore
I cant just retreat from the world anymore
Ive forced myself into it and I hate it
the only reason I live
the only reason I breath is to see my son another day
Is to make sure his life is better than mine
would he be better without me?
better in the arms of my sister inlaw
or my mom?
for right now I really dont think so
I love my son more than I hate the world or myself
but how long will that last

so....any of those people keeping track
I now have a bouncing baby boy in my life
I wish I could say life is going up
but its not really
wish I had the time or energy to post more
let people know whats going on in my life
but Im sorry folks
right now I just dont have it in me

*stares and breaths on the screen for 30 minutes before relizing she's fallen asleep*
well isnt this a peachy keen senario
finnaly thought I had my life on track or at least heading that way
bills payed almost all payed off, new car on the way, doing decent in school
almost all the stuff moved in and situated and already looking for a new place besided that crappy apartment

Then Wayne's dad has a stroke
was in a coma for 3 days and has only partily come out of it
he can open his eyes and follow you but doesnt really move
and his kidneys are failing and they had to air vac him to the nearest availiable bed....
in LAFAYETTE, not a single bed in baton rouge or anywhere closer
not to mention the family feud to get him to jackson
once I know whether or not hes made it comforted my boyfreiend and had about 12 hours of sleep and a 2 hour bath I will make things a bit more clear ... and may be able to type

aaaannnnnndddd Im pregnent
o.o......
guess I should have known after a week of vomiting my guts out

1) No matter how spoiled some is they can always stand up to there parents
2) no matter what someones problems you can love them
3) Motel 6 sucks ass
4) Even if you live in the godamned getto you can call it home as long as your not liveing in a hotel room
5) Jagerbombs are the shit!
6) 4 Jagerbombs, 3 beers, and 2 shots of butterscotch milk will fuck you up

7) Love is blind and can make you do things you thought you never had the corage to do. Love inspires and frightens you to the point of insanity. And true love is the most powerful thing that can pull a heart.